of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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