He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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