The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
