just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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