Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
