if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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