This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
