The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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