Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
