I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
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And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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