the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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