I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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