He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
