He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
