I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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