Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
