i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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