I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
