about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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