how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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