there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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