For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
