Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
