the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
