He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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