I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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