Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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