I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
