Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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