dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
