The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
