I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
