The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
