my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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