can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I touched a dick in church today
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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