last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
