Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
