last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
