my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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