I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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