im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was confusing and full of hummus
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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