How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
