if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
