My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
