A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I currently don't understand fingers.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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