How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
