gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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