my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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