She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
