How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
