u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she told me i tasted like america
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
