I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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