I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
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