Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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