guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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