My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
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